1st Feb 2015

Strange Sunday

Deb put her finger on it.

Today sees a return to near normality at home. For a few years now, quiet Sundays at home didn't exist. Along with all the regular comings and goings of a typical (coz we are fairly typical) family, I've "had to" spend about half the day with mum. Now mum isn't with us anymore, I've suddenly got time on my side, for the 1st time in years. But with nothing planned, rubbish weather, girls all sorted, I've been at a loss at what to do. Too cold and wet to be out and about running walking or cycling, too uninspired to think DIY. I can't even set about the Sunday roast as there's a mountain of chow mein left over from last nights wok night. Southampton v Swansea is the least worst option right now, along with a refresher from Monsieur Artois. 

Maybe I'm going to have to learn how to do lazy Sundays from now on.

Cheers

Jez

January 24 2015

This time last year, I had a house full of party people celebrating my 50th birthday. A landmark worthy of celebration and I think we did it in style with food, drink, music and much merriment. An evening I thoroughly enjoyed and look back on with great fondness and happiness. Given the events of the year since, the most remarkable thing about the party that night is that it was the last time my family would be gathered together as one.  To think that dad made it over, despite feeling continually unwell and in considerable discomfort and stayed for a good while was really great. Mums as determined not to miss out either and enjoyed the attention of everyone she bumped into in her wheel chair. 

And now, on the eve of birthday #51, I have said goodbye to both mum and dad. As Billy has said a few times this week, to lose a parent is very sad, to lose 2 in such a short space of time is careless. 

14th Jan. The day after yesterday

So, as expected, as day followed night, mum died in the morning. A sad end to a very poorly lady. We were told she was comfortable, free of pain and stress (no doubt through some hefty medication) but at least there was a bit of dignity about the way the people at Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital went about their duty.
We weren't at her side. She wouldn't have known. We said goodbye on Sunday - perhaps the saddest moment in my life. Went back on Monday and laughed and sang (and cried a bit more) and left.

I was driving back to my house from Cromer when the call came in. Billy took it. I knew that as I was coming up the road that that would be the time that we'd hear the news that mum had slipped away from us. Billy stood at the front door but didn't have to say anything. We gave each other man hugs, Graham too. Made some horrible phone calls and knuckled down.


Mum had been poorly since the mid/late 80's. Anything that could go wrong probably did. From wobbly knees to asthma, leg ulcers to pneumonia. From running her own house to full time nursing care. A woman who never had much in the way of wealth but managed to give so much of herself to so many. Be it a little cash loan to a struggling neighbour, free piano lessons, cookery advice, spiritual advice or simply her time. As her mobility started to affect her ability to do this for one and all she would become frustrated. Frustrated at not being able to do all the things she used to. In the end she became quite bad tempered, rude and not the wonderfully kind hearted mum we had loved all our lives.  But she was in constant pain, usually on large doses of pain relief and unable to even enjoy a simple meal. She'd want me to go and visit every day if I could. I managed 2,3,4 times a week but it was never enough. We'd also get 3 or 4 phone calls a day and looking back it was probably all in desperation at not being able to do things for her self any more.


That and knowing that every penny that could possibly have been taken from her to fund her care had been taken. Over £150,000. What a way to treat someone who paid their fair dues and helped so many people throughout her younger life.
Her treatment by the owners of the nursing home in Sheringham just before Christmas a few weeks ago was deplorable. The home getting closed on 23rd December with no notice what ever and hardly any choice on where she was having to be relocated to and all as a result of hopeless management is unforgivable. It could never be proven that this unsettling time led to mums rapid decline from then but I can't help feel it was a major contributing factor. The home she moved to was clearly more able to look after people with complex needs like my mum but she never really got to appreciate it. My thanks to them for doing what they were able to do in such a short time. My thanks will also go to some wonderful carers and nurses at St Nicholas over the years who struggled and struggled to do their very best for the residents there. I regularly questioned the management of the place but was always rebuffed. Thankfully now they will not be allowed to look after any more residents needing nursing care, though I take no pleasure in that, as so many people were "evicted" on that day


Looking back over some of my posts over time since mum moved to Norfolk, it is clear that as she declined, her demands on us (me) grew and I hold my hands up and say I found it difficult to cope. I am desperately sad today that I have lost my mum and I'm going to kind of miss the endless stream of phone calls and requests for this and that. I'm going to have more time for my girls and Debsie - they have been fantastic with mum/Granny over time - but above all, mum is now at peace and free from the endless pain.


What am I going to have to write about now eh?


Sleep well old girl

11 January 2015

Things are moving on apace.

As I write, mum is still with us. We know that soon she won't be. We've had tears at the bedside, said goodbye and started to get philosophical about the past and the future. Such a sad time.  She's been poorly for so many years but shown immense strength at some increadably low moments. The turmoil of having to move homes so quickly before Christamas had a hugely unsettling effect and will have contributed to her becoming so unwell so quickly after.

Love you mum

9th November 2014

Excuse me while I screeeeeeeeem

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

That's better.

To explain, I've just been on a shopping trip with my poor old mum (and DG and Rosie).

Not my favourite thing to do and technically it went ok. However, as usual with mum it wasn't enough. She wanted coffee at a cafe, drinks at a pub, chips, etc etc . I know all she really wants is time. Our time. 

I feel I give a lot to her, despite 3 full on years of demand, but it can't be, won't be enough for her. And that makes me feel terrible. I'm in a no win situation with her. I'm not really looking for answers either as whatever can be done for her, probably has. I know I'm in the firing line and have to take it.

Having said that, I am able to just walk away, while she is unable to do virtually anything without someone's help along the way. 

Now the sun has made its first appearance of the day, rememberence Sunday where appropriately you give thought to those who have made the ultimate sufferance and sacrifice. I shall go out on my bike and think of those brave souls and tell myself how fortunate I really am

And maybe have a pint or two

Sunday 20th October 2014

After performing miracles in the kitchen, on strict instructions not to "do a roast", I have retired to the lounge for the 1st time all weekend.

It's been a tough few days. Mum has been quite difficult to manage. I had a request to meet with staff at the nursing home to discuss her behaviour. In her constant demand for attention and sympathy, she has taken to bouts of down right rudeness to some of the careers there. I too have become a target of rudeness and blame for her current condition in that she's telling anyone who will listen how awful I have been to her. I know it's all a cry for help/attention/sympathy but..... trying to get her to understand that it can be quite hurtfull has been very difficult. I have been there for her, every step of the way for the 3 years she has been a resident at St Nicks and I will know it will be down to me to carry on with that for the foreseable future - she is my mum after all. It's always at the back of my mind that, no matter how bitter and angry she gets, she is in an awful state of health and would do anything not to have to be in a nursing home.

Chin up old son.

October 13 2014

Every where you go, take the weather with you. September was noted for its dryness, but as soon as October kicked in its been pishing down.

Last post in August? 2 months have rumbled by. 

I have been overwhelmed by my work. Things just seem to get busier and busier. Not sure I whole heartedly  approve of that. if it was across the board and a fair spread then there'd be little to complain about, but it appears that my broad shoulders are being disproportionately weighed down. I guess the alternative would be to run out of things to measure and I'd be worrying about job security. Don't get me started on pay though ( I have written to Danny Alexander approx 20 times without reply)

Local highlights?  Shezza 40s weekend was wonderful as ever. The way the town goes for it always amazes me - highly recommended. Barn Cottage's harvest has seen a bounty of fruit. Still picking raspberries  and I am having a go at cider with the mass of apples  this year. September also saw the return of Marks band The Last Great Dreamers, in Camden. 

Rosie celebrated her birthday with a  film night. A modest little evening with a few of the girls from the junior school days. She has thoroughly enjoyed her start to high school life and looks forwards to getting in the taxi every morning. It is a big relief to us that she has settled so well. 

Jen is working her way into her last couple of terms of schooling as she prepares for her A levels and on to Uni this time next year. Her grades so far have been excellent and the world is her oyster. Not sure how she finds time to study with all her social activity and jobs she does.

DG is slowly but surely making her way up through the chain of command at her school. I'm sure it won't be too long before she'll be queen of all education in Norfolk. Or maybe not if it gets in the way of her running. It really is quite remarkable how many miles she gets through in a month.

And what about Mother? I'm going down the "being honest with her" route at the moment. I' m finding it harder to continually jump when she says jump. The 3-4 visits a week are tough. She says she understands that it must be difficult for me to be there for her all the while, then she reals off a list of requirements. Some of the medication she's on for pain relief knocks her sideways, very sleepy. We took her to our new beach hut on Friday. She loved it, but her insistence on tucking into a large portion of scampi and chips made her choke quite worryingly. The staff at her home are doing their best but  I just wish there was a way to make things so much better for her.

Could go on about Nodge romping away with the Championship (if it were true) and me smashing my PB at Shezza Parkrun (not at all true) but I'll save that for another post.